English is Tough Stuff
(The Chaos)
De schrijver van het werkje over de uitspraak van het Engelsch “Drop your foreign Accent”, droeg mij op, aangezien ik nogal makkelijk rijm—meende hij—voor zijn boek een gedicht te vervaardigen, waarin al de gewone struikelblokken van de Engelsche uitspraak verwerkt moesten worden. Ik kreeg een lijst van ongeveer 450 woorden, alfabetisch gerangschikt, en daarmee moest ik maar aan den gang gaan—asjeblieft! Hier is het. Met toestemming van den schrijver van “Drop” bied ik het alvast mijn velen vloeiend Engelsch sprekenden landgenooten aan, om er zich op een regenachtigen Zondagmiddag mee onledig te houden. Zij zullen merken, dat elk paar regels volkomen zuiver rijm geeft en dat de klemtoon duidelijk door het rhythme aangegeven wordt. Moge het alom schrik en ontsteltenis verspreiden.
Charivarius, 1922. (Show/hide translation)
The writer of the work about the pronunciation of English “Drop your foreign Accent”, asked me, since I make rhymes rather easily—found he—a poem for his book, incorporating all the usual stumbling blocks of the English pronunciation. I received a list with approximately 450 words, arranged alphabetically, and with that I had to do the job—well! Here it is. With permission of the writer of “Drop” I already offer it my many English speaking compatriots, to amuse themselves with on a rainy Sunday afternoon. They will notice, that every pair of lines gives perfect rhyme and that the stress is clearly indicated by the rhythm. May it stir fright and dismay everywhere.
English is Tough Stuff
- Hear a pronunciation of the first 24 lines...
- Dearest creature in creation
- Studying English pronunciation,
- I will teach you in my verse
- Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
- I will keep you, Susy, busy,
- Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
- Tear in eye, your dress you ’ll tear;
- Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
-
- Pray, console your loving poet,
- Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
- Just compare heart, hear and heard,
- Dies and diet, lord and word,
- Sword and sward, retain and Britain
- (Mind the latter how it ’s written).
- Made has not the sound of bade,
- Say—said, pay—paid, laid but plaid.
- Now I surely will not plague you
- With such words as vague and ague,
- But be careful how you speak,
- Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,
- Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
- Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
- Woven, oven, how and low,
- Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
- Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
- Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
- Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
- Missiles, similes, reviles.
- Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
- Same, examining, but mining,
- Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
- Solar, mica, war and far.
- From “desire”: desirable—admirable from “admire”,
- Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
- Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
- Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,
- One, anemone, Balmoral,
- Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
- Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
- Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,
- Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
- Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
- This phonetic labyrinth
- Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
- Have you ever yet endeavoured
- To pronounce revered and severed,
- Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
- Peter, petrol and patrol?
- Billet does not end like ballet;
- Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
- Blood and flood are not like food,
- Nor is mould like should and would.
- Banquet is not nearly parquet,
- Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
- Discount, viscount, load and broad,
- Toward, to forward, to reward,
- Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
- Right! Your pronunciation ’s OK.
- Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
- Friend and fiend, alive and live.
- Is your R correct in higher?
- Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.
- Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
- Buoyant, minute, but minute.
- Say abscission with precision,
- Now: position and transition;
- Would it tally with my rhyme
- If I mentioned paradigm?
- Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
- But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
- Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
- Rabies, but lullabies.
- Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
- Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
- You ’ll envelop lists, I hope,
- In a linen envelope.
- Would you like some more? You ’ll have it!
- Affidavit, David, davit.
- To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
- Does not sound like Czech but ache.
- Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
- Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
- We say hallowed, but allowed,
- People, leopard, towed but vowed.
- Mark the difference, moreover,
- Between mover, plover, Dover.
- Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
- Chalice, but police and lice,
- Camel, constable, unstable,
- Principle, disciple, label.
- Petal, penal, and canal,
- Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,
- Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
- Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it”,
- But it is not hard to tell
- Why it ’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
- Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
- Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
- Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
- Senator, spectator, mayor,
- Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
- Has the A of drachm and hammer.
- Pussy, hussy and possess,
- Desert, but desert, address.
- Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
- Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
- Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
- Cow, but Cowper, some and home.
- “Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker”,
- Quoth he, “than liqueur or liquor”,
- Making, it is sad but true,
- In bravado, much ado.
- Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
- Neither does devour with clangour.
- Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
- Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
- Arsenic, specific, scenic,
- Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
- Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
- Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.
- Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
- Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
- Mind! Meandering but mean,
- Valentine and magazine.
- And I bet you, dear, a penny,
- You say mani-(fold) like many,
- Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
- Tier (one who ties), but tier.
- Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
- Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
- Prison, bison, treasure trove,
- Treason, hover, cover, cove,
- Perseverance, severance. Ribald
- Rhymes (but piebald doesn’t) with nibbled.
- Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
- Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.
- Don’t be down, my own, but rough it,
- And distinguish buffet, buffet;
- Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
- Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.
- Say in sounds correct and sterling
- Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
- Evil, devil, mezzotint,
- Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)
- Now you need not pay attention
- To such sounds as I don’t mention,
- Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
- Rhyming with the pronoun yours;
- Nor are proper names included,
- Though I often heard, as you did,
- Funny rhymes to unicorn,
- Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.
- No, my maiden, coy and comely,
- I don’t want to speak of Cholmondeley.
- No. Yet Froude compared with proud
- Is no better than McLeod.
- But mind trivial and vial,
- Tripod, menial, denial,
- Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
- Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.
- Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
- May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
- But you ’re not supposed to say
- Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.
- Had this invalid invalid
- Worthless documents? How pallid,
- How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
- When for Portsmouth I had booked!
- Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
- Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
- Episodes, antipodes,
- Acquiesce, and obsequies.
- Please don’t monkey with the geyser,
- Don’t peel ’taters with my razor,
- Rather say in accents pure:
- Nature, stature and mature.
- Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
- Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
- Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
- Wan, sedan and artisan.
- The TH will surely trouble you
- More than R, CH or W.
- Say then these phonetic gems:
- Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.
- Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
- There are more but I forget ’em—
- Wait! I ’ve got it: Anthony,
- Lighten your anxiety.
- The archaic word albeit
- Does not rhyme with eight—you see it;
- With and forthwith, one has voice,
- One has not, you make your choice.
- Shoes, goes, does 1. Now first say: finger;
- Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
- Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
- Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,
- Hero, heron, query, very,
- Parry, tarry, fury, bury,
- Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
- Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
- Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
- Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
- Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
- Puisne, truism, use, to use?
- Though the difference seems little,
- We say actual, but victual,
- Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
- Put, nut, granite, and unite
- Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
- Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
- Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
- Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.
- Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
- Science, conscience, scientific;
- Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
- Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
- Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
- Next omit, which differs from it
- Bona fide, alibi
- Gyrate, dowry and awry.
- Sea, idea, guinea, area,
- Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
- Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
- Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
- Compare alien with Italian,
- Dandelion with battalion,
- Rally with ally; yea, ye,
- Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!
- Say aver, but ever, fever,
- Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
- Never guess—it is not safe,
- We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.
- Starry, granary, canary,
- Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
- Face, but preface, then grimace,
- Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
- Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
- Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
- Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
- Do not rhyme with here but heir.
- Mind the O of off and often
- Which may be pronounced as orphan,
- With the sound of saw and sauce;
- Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.
- Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
- Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
- Respite, spite, consent, resent.
- Liable, but Parliament.
- Seven is right, but so is even,
- Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
- Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
- Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
- A of valour, vapid, vapour,
- S of news (compare newspaper),
- G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
- I of antichrist and grist,
- Differ like diverse and divers,
- Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
- Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
- Polish, Polish, poll and poll.
- Pronunciation—think of Psyche!—
- Is a paling, stout and spiky.
- Won’t it make you lose your wits
- Writing groats and saying “grits”?
- It ’s a dark abyss or tunnel
- Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
- Islington, and Isle of Wight,
- Housewife, verdict and indict.
- Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
- Saying lather, bather, father?
- Finally, which rhymes with enough,
- Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??
- Hiccough has the sound of sup...
- My advice is: give it up!
- doe: the plural of doe
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